A lot of things in life may seem more important than sex however a healthy sex life equally helps contribute to the overall well-being of the individual and the couple. A breakdown in sex and intimacy, which are not mutually exclusive, can be just as devastating to a relationship as a breakdown over finances, parental practices or any number of dynamics couples face. When the daily grind compounds, sex gets pushed further down the priority list. Your life together becomes more like existing as business partners and the role of lovers dissipates. If you continue down this path the intimate relationship is likely to dissolve and you may only be left with a cooperative partnership. The question then becomes where to go from there?
As breakdowns start to happen, we tend to put up physical and virtual barriers that make it hard to connect as a couple. Sometimes our communication becomes less about us and more about the life we must orchestrate together just to maintain. Sometimes our schedules get out of sync and spending quality time together or even finding opportunities to steal some personal time turns into only coming together in passing; a “ships in the night” kind of thing. In relationships, as with all things, our efforts must be intentional and carried out with purpose to be successful.
When you address your partner are the first words out of your mouth something about the kids, work, bills or other obligations? Or is it a sincere acknowledgement of their presence like I love you, you look great, a hug, a kiss, or thank you for being in my life? Purposefully taking the time to acknowledge your partner in a loving and positive way by saying or doing something that creates a shared moment only between the two of you can set the tone for everything that comes after. Make yourselves the priority topic of the day that needs to be acknowledged before all else.
Bills still need to be paid, the kids still require attention and work and business must still be conducted so conversations and decisions about life don’t go away, right? Try creating a safe space for intimate conversation. For most couples, the bedroom is the sex sanctuary where moments of great desire and pleasure take place. Make this a safe space and create an agreement that conversations about the daily grind will be restricted from the bedroom and only pillow talk is allowed. If it’s not the bedroom for you then find a space and make it your intimacy domain. Pillow talk is all about purposefully doing things together that help build your bond and it doesn’t necessarily mean talking.
Couples that do spend time talking to each other about the past and future as well as the present are generally closer. When you first met, discussing aspects of each other’s past help set a foundation for getting to know each other. Our past experiences mold us into the people we are today and what happens to us today drives where we go tomorrow. Even if you have been with the same person for twenty years I guarantee you don’t know everything about each other. Never stop learning about and from each other. Remain inquisitive about the person you chose to share your life with.
Communication isn’t always verbal. Sometimes the quiet moments can be just as intense. Close the space between you and create a physical, non-sexual, connection to increase intimacy. Perhaps each of you could use a massage after a long day, or you could share a glass of wine while lounging on the couch watching a tv program or movie you both enjoy or you can even cuddle listening to music while you experience how the versus and chords resonate inside you. I know some of you are probably thinking that you just don’t have the time but if this is important to you then you need to make time, even if it must be scheduled at first. Start with 30 minutes twice a week. As you become more accustomed to purposefully spending this time together and enjoying each other’s company it becomes less of a task and more of a retreat into a happy place you look forward to going.
Also, let’s not miss the opportunity sleep gives us to be intimate. First, lose the physical barriers between you like pillows, blankets and clothes. Did you know that skin-to-skin contact is the quickest way to build the bond between parent and child? The same thing works for adults. There is no expectation that the two of you will stay spooned all night but being aware of your partners presence and maintaining a physical connection through continuous touch creates a chemical reaction that reinforces your bond. Plus, if you are already naked and a moment for sex arises you have removed at least one obstacle. If kids coming into your space is an issue my first suggestion is to put a lock on the door and teach the kids boundaries. The second is to keep a loose t-shirt or shorts nearby in case there is an issue that requires immediate attention.
The Y in KNKY:
Y - You cum first. There will always be things in life that feel more important than having sex. Never neglect your needs.
We will discuss these points further in the KNKY Events entitled "Pillow Talk: The Series".