Updated: Jan 26, 2018
To cum or not to cum? That is the question but the answer isn't that simple. I have never easily achieved orgasm and am not an avid masturbator but the general consensus is that the best way to know how to cum is to practice on yourself by yourself. By examining how different parts of the body respond to sexual stimulation one can easily see that sex is a whole body experience and how that experience is received is highly influenced by our sex (gender).
When we examine male and female anatomy and can associate feelings and degrees of pleasure to specific areas of the body then we can target and perfect how we experience sex. Any part of the body can be an erogenous zone and the male and female sex regions are the most obvious but did you know the brain is our biggest sex organ? When in an intimate relationship individuals and couples should explore their bodies to understand their sexual responses. Even if you don't know the frenulum by name if you understand that a men are generally highly sensitive in that space on the underside of his penis head and that his brain interprets stimulation to that area with intense pleasure then one could be inclined to spend a little more quality time there. Finding a woman's g-spot or that just right spot on or around the clitoris can be a treasure hunt and orgasm the buried treasure.
Our bodies are the vehicles through which we experience the chemical reactions and physical responses to sexual stimulation however there has to be a trigger. What takes us from 0 - 100 and what determines how quickly can we get there? As different as male and female anatomy and physiology are so is our Sexual Response Cycle (SRC). The SRC has been classified as seven phases that are the same for men and women; vague stirring, desire, excitement (arousal part 1), plateau (arousal part 2), orgasm, resolution and what's next? The difference being that men typically experience SRC phases linearly and women circularly. It is important to understand our individual journey through the SRC to know what triggers desire and arousal and what will help us achieve orgasm...and if we don't then making sure that the experience was as pleasurable as possible.
Most people associate orgasm with the conclusion of sex however it's not, as noted above. Orgasm doesn't even have to be achieved in order to have an intoxicating sexual session. It is truly about the journey and not the destination however that doesn't mean that there aren't ways to increase the likelihood for achieving the Big O. Men fortunately don't have the same struggles as women in this arena however for women there are nine steps to orgasm; breathing, mind control, foreplay, sustaining the arousal, applying clitoral stimulation, mimicking the signs of orgasm, practicing pelvic control exercises daily and renewing permission for pleasure. For some like me, achieving an orgasm can feel illusive. It is as much about the brain as it is the body and orgasms don't come one size fits all, even for the same person. Once we learn to fully succumb to the experience then we can invite the orgasm to happen organically.
I have used the term experience liberally through this entry in order to emphasize that what we crave is the comprehensive experience of sex (mind and body) over sex as a mechanical, physical act where the granular details are pretty much the same for everyone. The experience of sex is influenced by a number of factors including our level of personal attachments, our sexual responses triggered by physical stimulation and biochemical reactions and in some cases our beliefs and spirituality. This is what helps to differentiate between an extraordinary and a lackluster sexual encounter.
We will discuss these points further in the KNKY Events entitled "The Sex Experience".